Confirmed : Elephants Can't Dance (with apologies to my friends at IBM)

Everyone's heard of the book by Louis Gerstner called "Who Says Elephants Can't Dance?" . One tends to chuckle admiringly on hearing the title, because it's about how he taught IBM to be nimble and quick. Whatay great man he must be!

But perhaps the Bangalore IBM bunked its dance classes because, unfortunately, this aane can't dance . Why do I feel this way ? Here's the story of my struggle with the bureaucratic maze that goes by the name of IBM Tech Support. Listen, O my children, and learn ....

I have a Thinkpad with a busted space bar . I looked online and was delighted to find an IBM Thinkpad center in Bannerghatta. Certainly the name "walk-in center" promised great speed and efficiency.

When I got there, the place was completely empty. I was asked to wait. After a few minutes, a young man sauntered toward me as though he was a neurosurgeon doing his daily rounds of the terminally ill. "Look at these mere mortals - simply falling at my feet! What would they do without me?" his demeanor seemed to say.

"What seems to be the problem?" he asked, suavely.
"My spacebar doesn't work." I replied.
With a crisp "Hand it over", he disappeared into the innards of the building. I waited, my expectations growing with each minute.
He sauntered back, looking grave this time.
"Your space bar doesn't work."
"Er... I know that. Can you fix it?"
A nod. Yes.
"Well...can you fix it now?"
He smiled patronizingly. Silly girl. "You'll have to file a ticket for that."
"Can't I do it now?"
"No, no, you need to go home and send an email to this address"(by the way, this is a secret address not mentioned on the site)"Please note the model, type and the serial number of the computer; we need it".
"Where can I get the serial number?"
"I guess it's on your BIOS." he said, turning on his heel and walking away.

Hmm... . Testing fate, I dropped a mail to the secret email, mentioning the model and type, but not the serial number. A few minutes later I saw a reply. It said:

Hi P__,

fru# please for Keyboard.

Thanks & Regards
N___

???? Was this something like "Watson, come here, I need you!" or perhaps "Beam me up, Scotty"? Even while I was trying to figure this cryptic instruction out, I received a message from someone else :

Hi N___,
Key Bd FRU - 39T0519
Thanks and Regards,

I sent a mail back saying, in essence , great, I love being on your internal mails.. but what the cluck am I supposed to do with this information?

In response, I received:

HI,

Quotation Ref : ITS/Quote/JULY 08/150
Date : 09/07/2008
Customer Name : XXXXXX
phone / Fax /Email

SlNo	PART NO	DESCRIPTION	QTY (Nos)	UNIT PRICE	TAXES EXTRA ON UNIT PRICE
01	39T0519	KEYBOARD	01	3092.00	4%

(Taxes :Exclusive of applicable sales tax,(Currrent Sales Tax for delivery in Karnataka is (as per the quote) / Currrent Sales Tax for delivery OutsideKarnataka is as per quote + Octroi, Entry tax, etc., if applicable for other states)

Refer to the Quotation for Terms and conditions: The said Quotation Terms and Conditions shall apply
NOTE: We require PO/Customer Authorisation, Quote copy & Advance payment for any Order.
(Taxes to be paid extra over unit value quoted)
1. Payment : 100% in Advance
(Demand Draft to be raised in the name of “IBM India Pvt Ltd”, individual customers can swipe debit or credit card at ThinkPad Server Centre.) )
....
....
Thanking you and awaiting your order confirmation.
N__

Well....maybe the IQ has dropped a bit, but I could not for the life of me figure out what to do, except that I had to pay 3092 plus tax, in full, with an invoice or credit card to IBM. But where was I to take the machine ? When would it be fixed?

I gave them a call. Needless to say, N__ was out and no-one else could get my history. Thinking creatively, I forwarded the email exchange to the person on the phone with me. She then explained to me that I should print out the gibberish above and come with my laptop to Bannerghatta. (I live in Malleswaram).

The next day, I did the needful (as they say around here) and was back at IBM. Security made me pose for a picture which they pasted on my ID card before they let me into the top-secret repair center.

And of course, N__ was gone for lunch.

"Can you wait Madam"? asked the receptionist. No, I said, I am not waiting for N to get back. Can you please process this? I've got all the paperwork.
"No madam, I need to check if the price has changed"

(Gnashgnashgnashgnashgnashgnash)

They eventually got around to processing my payment.
"How long will it take?" I asked, hopefully.
"A week, Madam. We have to order the part. Then you need to come in again and get it fixed."
That didn't perturb me. I had resigned myself to my fate.

A couple of days passed. My phone rang "Madam, I am calling from IBM Service Center...."
(oh dear sweet lord--- have they received It?? Joy, joy!!)
Now the voice became plaintive:
"Madam, you have taken away your ID..."
I couldn't believe my ears. That custom-photo ID was for one visit only ????
"....Madam, my supervisor is scolding me...."
I assured the poor thing that I had no intention of holding on to the ID for perpetuity. I would definitely return it as soon as I came in to fix the errant part.

I'm still waiting.
It's been two weeks.
And if you look at the start date on the thread, it's been a month since I asked IBM to fix my laptop.

Out of curiosity, I dropped in to Digicomp at their humble store in VV Puram. I found their number on strips of paper that were kept behind the reception desk at IBM. Maybe that's where all the IBM employees go when they need something fixed. "Yes, we can fix your laptop. It'll just take 20 minutes", they said. But alas!! IBM was in receipt of my Rs 3092.00 plus tax (paid in full via credit card) and I wasn't sure what fate would befall me if canceled it. My previous experience hadn't done a bit to bolster my confidence in IBM's ability to handle a return. I turned away sadly.

So, Mr. Gerstner - I'm sorry, but this is probably one of the worst customer service experiences I've had in my life. Perhaps the elephants have forgotten their steps and need coaching classes. Or perhaps they never learned to dance, but simply shifted their weight from one foot to another, hoping you'd go away and leave them alone.

Anyway, my business belongs to Digicomp starting today. Not that anyone cares.

Travel report : Delhi, Mumbai

Recently returned from work-family-friends travel to Mumbai and Delhi. I had a blast, but I'm also very glad to be back..

First, for those who complain about traffic in Bangalore - you ain't seen nothing yet. Apparently 1-2 hrs in traffic in Mumbai is just par for the course. The average Mumbaikar prepares for the commute: fat book to read while stuck in traffic - check. Water to drink while ditto - check. Umbrella in case one has to de-vehicle and walk the rest of the way - check. Nothing was mentioned about adult diapers, but I have my suspicions.

Delhi has none of those issues - roads are wide and the city is well-planned. However, the weather is reminiscent of an overheated sauna even while ostensibly at a mild 33 degrees. Tests the strongest deodorant, I must say. The smart delhi-ite refuses to budge from the A/C, global warming be damned.

Food
Instead of waiting a polite duration before introducing this topic, I'll just jump right in, shall I ? Better people than I have raved about Swati Snacks in Mumbai. Exotic (to me,at least)snacks like Panki and Sabudana Kichdi ...yummm. My only regret is that I have but one stomach to give to this incredible, unpretentious, squeaky-clean restaurant.

Under the Mango Tree sells single-source honey via Moshe's in Mumbai. These folks bring honey from a single type of flower to the market. Each type of honey (Mango, Clover, Seame etc) has a unique and distinctive taste. Alas, when I went by Moshe's they'd run out of everything but the clover honey, but I grabbed a huge bottle of that. Don't cry for me, Argentina.

All kinds of silvery and showy sweets, plus assorted namkeens from small stores. In Chandni Chowk, pure sweets from the venerable Chaina Ram's near the Mosque at the end of the road. I was treated to generous samples of various sweets before I put togeher a box for my near-and-dear ones. What with the calorific helpings, plus gigantic jilabis from (self-named) Old and Famous Jilabiwallah and a lemon soda (aka banta) from Pt. Ved Prakash.....

....on top of the heavenly veg biryani from the Park Baluchi that I gobbled up for lunch, well, I just could not eat a bite for dinner. However, I managed a Sangria at La Sevilla and part of a neer dosa at Sagar.

That night I dreamed about meeting a long-lost and model-skinny friend who frankly and scornfully disdained the weight I'd put on.

Guilty as charged.

But that didn't stop me from scarfing three parathas with snow-white, freshly-churned butter for breakfast the next day.

Dasavathaaram : Mental Callisthenics for All

Let me first say that I heartily recommend this movie to one and all. If you don't understand any Tamil you will be somewhat flummoxed, but that won't differentiate you much from the rest of the audience. That's because the first thing you need to enjoy this movie is called "Willing Suspension of Disbelief" . The second is "A Fondness for Kamal Haasan".

Where to begin ? Better not to begin at all, and let all of you who have missed this magnum opus enjoy Kamal in his various roles as a -

1. Singing and fighting Vaishnavite priest
2. Japanese Kung-fu master avenging his kung-fu daughter(because all Japanese know martial arts)
3. Scientist
4. Old lady
5. Some kind of dark-skinned guy
6. Dubya
7. Telugu police officer
8. Assassin

and some other people, somehow adding up to 10.

BTW, the Dasavatharam website mentions that he may also appear as a dwarf and an emperor. If that is indeed the case, then I have somehow missed spotting these worthies.

On the plus side, Mallika Sherawat is NOT played by Kamal Hassan. But pretty much everyone in the movie does double duty, including the heroine. Perhaps this is to save on costs, because I am told the producer spent about 3 crores on the first few minutes alone.

Also, watch out for people spouting blood at any excuse, from any available orifice.

And a tsunami, plus voice-overs on Chaos Theory. Or perhaps it was on Lepidoptery.

Now you'll have to watch it, won't you ??

Answer to Perplexing Question

According to Bengalooru Banter, the Cauvery circle confoundedness is part of a plan to build the world's first everyday roller-coaster. Not too far off from my maze hypothesis.

More sinister is The Hindu's theory that the magic boxes are embedding themselves into roads willy-nilly. At any rate, the heading of their story "Magic Boxes to enter Raj Bahavan Road" gives that impression.

A perplexing question

I am always mystified when I pass by the much-adored Magic Box that has replaced Cauvery Circle in Sadashivnagar. I had heard about this engineering feat from residents, who attributed all kinds of good things to it - reduction of traffic, noise, improvement in morals etc. So I couldn't wait to check it out.

However, when I did see it, I was completely confounded. I couldn't ( and still can't) figure out what it's good for. My first theory was that it was to enable Sadashivnagar residents to bypass the circle. Fly in the ointment is,the underpass surfaces *before* the circle, so vehicles don't really avoid it. Then I was told that it's to avoid a traffic light and congestion. That explains it a little bit, but not really. For one, the magic box is cunningly engineered to fit just one lane of traffic, with a bump at the entrance to boot. So there's build up all the way to Malleswaram. Second, anyone going South can't take a right anywhere between Mekhri circle and Guthalli. And anyone going North has to take a left, a U-turn and another left before they can just go North as God intended them to do . And another thing...oh, forget it, my mind gets all confused just thinking about this eighth wonder of the world.

Perhaps it's a puzzle, one of those living mazes one hears about in Videshi countries. When combined with Bangalore's whimsical one-ways ( guess !! is the high grounds road one-way today or not ? And in which direction?) it's definitely good for keeping the brain agile and preventing Alzheimer's.

Really, it's a tragedy. One hears that college students volunteered to help the BMC out with this thing, and in fact did a lot of manual labor while singing patriotic songs. But it's such a pity that the result had to be, well, what it is.

On the plus side, I am inspired to think of new ideas while I wait for the traffic to clear. For example, I think we should build a large saxophone next to the violin-shaped Chowdiah. Then we can all rightfully bemoan the big time Sax and Violin(s) in Bangalore ( you need to say it out loud to get it).

I suppose some others would say that this just adds to the number of reasons as to why one should get rid of the Magic Box.

The market, economics and business channels

Quick post - whats up with these CNBC and NDTV business channels - cant they make up their mind? Two instances:

Instance 1:

December 2007 stand - "Markets (sensex) are estimated to be at 25,000 levels by March '08 and 30,000 levels by Dec '08"

February 2008 stand - "At 15,000 the markets dont look like they have found the bottom as yet"

Now I understand that they dont drive market forces etc but if they are authoritatively making predictions they ought to have been making them with the knowledge that they dont drive the markets so there must be other data somewhere that they refer to.


Instance 2:

Even if I am not an economics student nor a finance wizard even I can catch this shift even though it pertains to arcane currency markets.

Sept - Dec 2007 comments - The rupee is growing stronger, that's really bad for India inc." etc. So it is established by them that lesser rupees to a dollar is a bad thing. (although with my minimal understanding I know its a bad thing only for exporters who have quoted in Dollars, but anyway)

Todays comment ( background: in the last week or so the rupee has grown weaker i.e. there are now more rupees to a dollar, however yesterday it grew stronger by 1 paise) - so their comment - "Not enough but thats some relief there with the rupee growing stronger"

!!!!

Make up your mind is it a bad thing for the rupee to grow stronger or is it a relief ??? I am sure that cannot be sentiment driven!

From closet TV & Movie buff to spotting the worst design

So pressure builds up. We've started a blog and we don't know what the heck to write into it everyday. Any thoughts right through the day pass through a filter of "Is this blogworthy?" and a few are flagged. Come the end of the day and flags suddenly disappear. So then the mind wanders and looks for something.. and then all one can come up with is Radio, bollywood or TV related! My worst fears might yet get confirmed - AM I A CLOSET TV & MOVIE BUFF?? I hate those fimi and tv types.. I've never wanted to be one of them. Of course then I realise its not that I am a closet anything - pure and simple - I am thinking of topics for this blog when I am watching TV or listening to the radio - duh! what other thoughts do you expect?

That behind us, One of the flags that came up today - I might safely conclude that middle seats in flights are the biggest design flaws in the world of transportation and yet no one seems to want to do anything about them. Why cant there be two armrests or an armrest that's as broad as two? I am almost certain it is so that people have something to do during the flight. Almost like they provide you with a game of chess that you play with your neighbour. You battle your wits with the person and after a satisfying hour or two, you are ready to land.

Here is what typically happens when you somehow land up in the middle seat - you slowly start fighting for space on the armrest/s. You think the other guy does not notice when you slowly slip your elbow in - somewhere in between the two back rests. And then start moving it forward on the armrest from there. But if he is a veteran, he knows (maybe he does the same thing when he is in the middle) and so you feel resistance. His arm just does not budge. All this is surreptitious. Overtly its like nothing is happening - you both look at each other and you give him a nice "Mr. Bean" type grin. He returns it. Both know what's going on. No one says anything about it.

By now you feel you have gained two inches on the armrest. That's the flat part. Then begins the battle of the bulge (which BTW I think is not a very family-type of name). Various tactics come into play and from here on its sheer cunning that can win you your 4-6 more inches. Get those and you are set. You have won. The score thus far - 6 inches needed in one hour to win, 4 inches to draw. You gather your wits and inspect the field. Your surroundings indicate that maybe he has a newspaper in his seat pocket and you don't! (this idea originally belongs to Rajesh Iyer at whose house we had this discussion at length) You ask him for the newspaper in his seat pocket. He might just lift his arm and give you the paper at which time you swoop in! Move your arm the requisite 6 inches or even 8 and stay put! Don't move. You have gained territory but it might be short lived. Keep the extra 2 inches so that you may concede those under pressure at some time in the future before landing.

If the newspaper trick doesn't work then the nastiest one is the coffee or tea spillage on the neighbour trick. Which almost always works but leaves you with a slightly pyrrhic victory type of feeling. If you do reach the end of your tether and have to use this remember - at this point the gloves are mostly off. Anything nasty can happen to you as well - Beany smiles are laid to rest now. The middle seat is right under the baggage rack and "mistakes" can happen when your neighbour tries to get his bag from the rack and some other bag (mostly of the heavy kind) might just slip out and fall onto anything under it, mostly the inviting expanse that is your head.

Anyway and so it goes... there are several tricks in between the two extremes of the newspaper and the tea/coffee spillage tricks and add to that - the whole battle might change if it were a girl/woman next to you. Just too many variables, so many strategies, so much stress... by the time you have landed you are ready to tear the head off any negotiator you were flying in to meet.